Parenting Your Emerging Adult Read online

  Is Josh addicted? How do we begin to think about addiction on the Internet?

  A Journey to the Dark Side: Internet Addiction

  Internet use/abuse has captured the concern of parents and professionals alike. It is important to remember, though, that Internet abuse has not yet been formally identified as a disorder by the American Psychiatric Association. While Internet addiction does not appear as a clinical disorder in the DSM-IV, the text of psychiatric diagnoses, there is growing support for acknowledging it as a legitimate concern. The new version of the DSM will list “Internet-use disorder” as a condition which merits further study. The rate of Internet abusers is estimated to be between 6 and 15 percent in the United States and it is anticipated that this rate will increase as the technology improves. Within college populations, the incidence of abuse has been estimated to be as high as 18 percent.20

  Those who are most inclined to be psychologically dependent on the Internet are likely to show these behaviors:

  •“They find it increasingly difficult to meet their major obligations at work, school or home.

  •They use [the Internet] longer, with less enjoyment. They are restless, irritable, and anxious when not using.

  •They do not succeed in cutting down, controlling or stopping use [on their own].

  •They experience physical, psychological and social problems due to their use, yet they persist in their behavior.”21

  Dr. Kimberly Young of Saint Bonaventure University has developed a questionnaire to help people assess what she terms “problematic Internet use” (PIU). Dr. Young asks these questions:

  •Do you feel preoccupied with the Internet (think about previous online activity or anticipate next online session)?

  •Do you feel the need to use the Internet for increasing amounts of time in order to achieve satisfaction?

  •Have you repeatedly made unsuccessful efforts to control, cut back or stop Internet use?

  •Do you feel restless, moody, depressed or irritable when attempting to cut down or stop Internet use?

  •Do you stay online longer than originally intended?

  •Have you jeopardized or risked the loss of a significant relationship, job, educational or career opportunity because of the Internet?

  •Have you lied to family members, therapists or others to conceal your extent of involvement with the Internet?

  •Do you use the Internet as a way of escaping from problems or relieving a dysphoric mood (e.g., feelings of helplessness, guilt, anxiety, depression)?22

  Answering yes to five of the eight questions suggests a problem with addiction, according to Dr. Young. Let’s return to Josh’s story and try to determine whether or not he is addicted to his game. Dr. Houser offers these insights:

  Josh’s experience with a strong connection to a virtual world is not inconsistent with what we know about loners and the way they relate to others in a virtual world. Josh can assume a new role and in that medium feel safe in his online identity. Participation in a virtual world allows him to close the gap between his real and ideal self. In the virtual reality environment, Josh can begin to be the person he would like to be. He can develop close relationships or feelings of connection to others, and establish with them a sense of closeness or distance that feels comfortable to him.

  Such close connections may not occur as quickly in “real” life interactions, because of the perception of threat. Josh most likely does not feel as safe in his non-virtual world. Many times those participating in the virtual world feel they can disclose more quickly and at a deeper level compared to their non-virtual interactions. However, Josh’s retreat into a virtual world can have a negative impact too, as evidenced by findings of interpersonal problems and mental health problems among users.

  He plays a virtual game that is focused on competing and destroying others in a community…The participant is focused on violent activities. Those individuals who have an inherent propensity toward violence are significantly influenced by playing violent video or virtual world games. Josh’s parents may well have a reason to be concerned about his behavior. It is important to know whether Josh has shown aggressive tendencies in the past. If not, Josh is most likely engaging with the game to meet a basic need of connecting with others without too much risk or opportunities for rejection.23

  Causes and Treatment

  What allows us to become addicted to these games? Are there characteristics specific to the Internet that encourage addictive behavior? The answer is unequivocally yes. Internet use and abuse increases with easy access and high-speed capability. The faster the Internet connection, the more impressive the graphics and the more responsive the game, the more compelling the experience. (“Addictive” is a term frequently used in the gaming press to indicate a hot game.) The opportunity to experiment with a fictional persona is an additional enticement. As with other online players, Josh is not restricted by his physical appearance when playing. He can be noticed, liked and appreciated strictly on the basis of his skills. In that regard the game, unlike reality, is a true meritocracy.

  Interaction in online games provides players with social rewards (on the kind of variable schedule that B. F. Skinner showed us to be powerfully reinforcing). In vanquishing a formidable foe, Josh probably receives immediate kudos from his fellow gamers. He may also experience an adrenaline rush in his quest to destroy the threatening force. If he succeeds and “levels up” to a higher character level, Josh also receives respect from his peer group. Seen through this lens, spending lots of time on the Internet can be rewarded quite handsomely. Emerging adults can become online celebrities, respected and appreciated for their talents. The classic “nerd” can become a legendary warrior. Players can develop “guilds” and other communities in which they feel accepted, validated and revered. The lure of creating a heroic persona and developing a potentially worldwide reputation (these games are played all over the globe) can certainly invite compulsive overuse of games.

  How do we recognize addictive activity on the Internet? In addition to the “symptoms” mentioned above, the effects of problem Internet activity include: loss of sleep, strained relationships and decreased productivity at school or work. With respect to loss of sleep, a study done by a major New York university found that 43 percent of students who dropped out of college stayed up late to engage in activities on the Internet.24

  When trying to get to the bottom of Internet addiction, we encounter a familiar chicken/egg dilemma. Does Josh, a socially anxious emerging adult, turn to gaming to ease his anxiety, which in turn reinforces his alienation from “real” society, or does increased gaming cause his social anxiety? As with most chicken and egg questions the answer is most likely “both of the above.”

  Jeffrey Parsons conducted an online survey with MMORPG gamers to try to gain a better understanding of who they are and why they spend their time gaming. His results reveal that gamers choose this activity because it meets their need for companionship and empowerment. In the game world they feel in control and capable. There’s an enormous potential “upside” for dedicated players, without the social risks encountered in the non-virtual world. Gaming allows for anonymity and experimentation with roles that are different from those in the non-virtual world.25

  The players most likely to become addicted are those who place high value on online relationships and whose search for social companionship is triggered by feelings of loneliness. Josh derives the greatest degree of social satisfaction from his online relationships. Gamers such as Josh often view themselves as more “real” in their online personas than in face-to-face relationships.

  So what do you do if your son or daughter is addicted to the Internet? The first challenge is to determine whether or not this is actually the case, not an easy task. The majority of emerging adults spend more time on the Internet and the communication grid than their parents. Some of the reasons for this have been discussed. Most Boomer parents probably have concerns about their kids’ Internet usage
from time to time. Frequently, these concerns are probably unfounded. Most emerging adults, even those who spend a fair amount of time online, are not addicted. As with other addictions, we have to ask whether the criteria noted above are being met. Is the usage damaging other parts of his life? Does she use the Internet compulsively? Is he unable to quit on his own? Does her cyber life take clear precedence over her non-virtual life? Is he using the technology or is the technology using him?

  If you determine there is a problem, then you face the same challenge you would face confronting any other addiction—that is, getting your emerging adult to recognize and admit that there is a problem.

  If and when you get to that point, a holistic and humanistic treatment approach seems best, in my opinion. An appropriate intervention might be found along cognitive-behavioral lines. This form of therapy stresses mindfulness and present-moment awareness, an approach that can be very helpful for people caught up in an abstract world. Treatment might also include the use of an approach known as motivational interviewing, through which an emerging adult can develop more adaptive coping skills. The idea is to develop and strengthen skills in other areas of his life so that he no longer needs to compensate for the lack of satisfaction he is feeling in those other domains. Part of the focus would include correcting misconceptions and erroneous beliefs about gaming. A continuum of services is usually needed, ranging from information about gaming dependency to more tailored interventions.

  Concluding Thoughts

  Facebook, smartphones, text messaging, all these technologies bring a sense of immediacy and fluidity to our relationships. They also have the capacity to increase our anxiety and barrage us with information, leaving us with too little space to think and reflect. Today’s emerging adults are always “available” to the grid. A valid question to ask is: having grown up immersed in the new technologies, are emerging adults aware of the potential dangers? Are they like the proverbial fish that can’t see the water in which they are swimming? Parents may not be as adept at the new technology as their emerging adults, but at least they have seen both sides of the fence. They remember a time when telephones were stationary objects and people communicated by mail and by knocking on doors. Our emerging adults have never known what it’s like to live in a world that isn’t fully wired.

  Technology is changing the way we communicate in a fundamental way. Any feeling or thought can be immediately shared, without being processed first. Does this create a garbage in/garbage out scenario? Are we “turning into ‘pancake people’—spread wide and thin as we connect with that vast network of information accessed by the mere touch of a button”?26 As we think about these questions, it is important to remember that individual emerging adults use technology to varying degrees. While some broadcast their life experiences the second they unfold, others are more deliberate and cautious.

  Mark Bittman, author of a recent New York Times article titled “I Need a Virtual Break. No, Really,” and a self-defined “techno-addict,” declares that the only space he can create for himself is in his sleep. His laptop shares his bed, as I suspect is the case for many emerging adults. He checks his e-mail before going to sleep every night. He checks it again immediately after waking up. Where is the balance in such a life?

  Mr. Bittman recognizes that he may well have an addiction to “the machine.” In response, he has created a weekly ritual, the celebration of a “secular Sabbath” that gives him space to think and reflect at least one day a week. Although Mr. Bittman is riddled with the worry of missing out on something important, he concludes:

  …I do believe that there has to be a way to regularly impose some thoughtfulness…Once I moved beyond the fear of being unavailable, what it might cost me, I experienced what, if I wasn’t such a skeptic, I would call a lightness of being. I felt connected to myself rather than my computer. I had time to think, and distance from formal demands.”27

  We are all adapting to the rapid changes that technology is forcing upon our lives. There is no question that we have become more empowered. However, technology has also made it more challenging to create a space of our own, a time for reflection and renewal. We need this kind of balance in our lives.

  We are only in the beginning stages of grappling with the changes brought on by the information age. How many hours a day should we make ourselves available for communicating? How can we honor our cyber-contacts without being rude to the people we are with? When does our technological communication with our kids become a vehicle for problem-solving versus problem-dwelling? Rules of conduct are being constantly rewritten. We need to develop new rules that are explicit and reasonable and that clarify the expectations we have of one another.

  Regardless of the technologies that emerge in the years to come, there will always be a need to create inner and outer social circles in our lives and to identify those we can reach out to when we are in emotional pain. Facebook, cell phones, texting, instant messaging, etc. have enabled us to “be” with others in new ways. Friends no longer have to participate in each other’s physical lives exclusively. We can have a presence in a new, hybrid way. Yet, however much time one spends connecting in a “pancake” way, I strongly believe there will always be a need to connect on a deeper level. Technology can help or hinder that experience, depending on how it is used. Says Joel Garreau in a Washington Post article:

  The reason we’ve always carved out a place for deep human contact is because we deeply need it. Some contours of the mind are so firm they lead us to selectively defy the imperative of growing efficiency. Ultimately, technological evolution has had to [and will] accommodate to human nature. It can deepen or engender shallowness [or depth] in relationships.28

  Technology will leave us changed, no doubt. It offers us increased freedom, but it can also cripple us. On one hand, we can seamlessly navigate our new communication options, enriching ourselves and our relationships, including our relationships with our emerging adult children. On the other hand, we can become fractured, overwhelmed and ridden with anxiety. Balance, as in most things, seems to be the key, for both ourselves and our emerging adults. Again, the mere fact that your emerging adult son or daughter has a heavy “cyber” life is not in itself cause for concern. It comes with the territory of being an emerging adult in the twenty-first century. The time to become worried, as a parent, is when balance seems to tip—your emerging adult loses interest in non-virtual activities and relationships; technology intrudes on his life to the point where he is rarely “unplugged” or she begins to become secretive and defensive about her time online.

  Rather than leap to judgment about the way our emerging adults use technology, we would be better served not to rush to judgment. Times have changed and simply insisting on applying the old rules is an exercise in futility. If we do this then our point of view will become irrelevant. Yet, at the same time, we don’t want to sit by passively and watch Internet addiction, cyberbullying or any of the other dangers of the cyber age claim our emerging adults as victims. A watchful eye and an open mind seem to be the right combination. If embracing the new technologies—learning how to text, share online images, exchange e-mail via cell phone, etc.—can help us forge closer relationships with our emerging adults, then we’d be pretty foolish to resist change just because of fear or stubbornness.

  Chapter 6

  PARENTING AN EMERGING ADULT

  Insightful counsel was offered by the parent of a 26-year-old emerging adult. He said that becoming an adult, by its very nature, is something you must achieve on your own and that no one else can do it for you. As is frequently the case with advice, however insightful, it is easier said than done. Parents all want to be loving and supportive and avoid nagging, complaining or disrespecting grown children’s boundaries. However, many parents are afraid that the more accepting and nonjudgmental they become, the more comfortable their emerging adult children will become in their parents’ homes. But a part of parents don’t want them to be too comfortable. Parents want them
to be a little uncomfortable, so they will be motivated to move on.

  The movie Failure to Launch (2006), starring Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew McConaughey, comically captures the frustrations of modern-day parents of emerging adults. In desperation to get their adult son out of their house, the parents, played by Kathy Bates and Terry Bradshaw, hire a coach to help them sever their son’s dependence. Ultimately, the son does launch, but not without bumps and bruises along the way.

  Those bumps and bruises—can parents avoid them or at least minimize them?

  The short answer is yes, they can avoid many of the rough spots and often some of the others. But there is a caveat. Parents must be willing to brave awkwardness and self-examination. They must be willing to adapt to new realities.

  Is nurturing or pushing the best approach? Should parents strive to be like the north wind of the old fable, trying to blow the traveler’s coat off by sheer force? Or should they play the role of the sun, warming the traveler with gentle rays until he himself decides to take off his coat? Many parents go back and forth. They are as confused as their emerging adults seem to be.

  Leaving home has never been easy, for the “leaver” or the “leavee.” But in an uncertain economic and social climate, it is harder than ever. The rules are in flux. Many parents wonder: When should I encourage my emerging adult to seize the reins of adulthood? When does “support” turn into enabling? Should I expect my emerging adult to live with me longer than I did with my parents? Does that expectation then create the reality? What can I do to help my emerging adult be ready to leave when the right time comes? Can I have an active role in this or do I have to take a passive one?